About a year ago, I really started looking into adoption. I found Reece's Rainbow and fell in love with one of the little girls. I talked to my husband about her, but he really just didn't want more kids. So I kept praying for her family.
I figured that God knew who they were and maybe they were us, but God had other ideas. She was adopted outside of Reece's Rainbow so her family was already in the process by the time I had found her. She was home just a couple of months later.
I signed up to pray for a couple of more girls. One of them touched my heart and again I wondered if she was mine. I kept praying but didn't even mention her to my husband. God said no again, and within days of each other, both girls I was praying for had families committed to them. I was so happy for the girls but also a bit sad that I couldn't be their mother.
I continued to pray for both girls, but I signed up to pray for two more children. This time a boy and a girl. The girl really grabbed my heart.
I began to think of her as my daughter. I thought of her constantly. I prayed for her constantly. I prayed for her family, again hoping that she was mine. She had some special needs, and everywhere we went I wondered which adaptations could be made for her so that she could participate in whatever we were doing.
I began to see that even with her limitations, she could probably do everything our family did. I talked to my husband about her. I wanted to beg him to bring her home, but he really wasn't interested in having another kid.
I did find an organization that worked in her orphanage. I was able to hire someone to take care of her (one on one). I was able to send her gifts. But what I really wanted was to bring her home. It is hard to explain, but I had taken this child as MY responsibility. I worried and fretted and even neglected my children at home as I searched the internet for pictures of this child. I was totally obsessed with her.
Then one day while I was praying for her, I realized that I needed to give this child to God. All of my other children have been dedicated to God, both formally and personally, in my heart. So I prayed and told God that I gave this child to Him, and He spoke this to my heart, "Even if she is not yours?"
I told him, "Yes, she is yours. Even if I can't have her, I trust You to do what is right for her."
But then came the question, "Even if she dies?"
Well, that was hard, but she would be with Him, so I prayed, "Yes, Lord, even if you take her home, she is yours."
But then came the hardest question of all, "Even if I want her to grow up in an orphanage?"
WHY? Why would God want some kids to grow up in an orphanage? Tears streamed down my cheeks as I said, "Yes, Lord, she is your child. Do your will for her."
That was the hardest prayer I ever prayed, but then there was relief. This child was no longer my responsibility. She belonged to God. I still hoped that she could be mine, but I KNEW that God had a plan for her and that His plan was best. I still prayed for her, but I stopped worrying about her. I still cared, but I no longer fretted about her.
That week (did you get that, it was just a few days later) I found out that a family wanted her, that they had started their homestudy with the hopes of getting my girl! It was not made official for several weeks because she was in a bad orphanage, but God was gracious enough to let me know that my girl had a family!
So you see, my testimony is very different than most. I don't have an adopted child in my home and I am not even working toward bringing one home, but I have made a difference. I have given money and gifts, but mostly I have prayed and God has honored those prayers. Of the five children that I have prayed for, three are home, one has a family working to get her, and one is still waiting.
I will keep praying for Galen (the one still waiting), and sometimes I even wonder if he is mine, but I no longer become obsessed. Because like my girl, he is God's child and God has a plan for him.
I trust God.
I trust God's plan.