Friday, March 9, 2012

The Ambush of Internet Sex: Step Four Toward Healing--The Tools

If there is a war going on in the mind to ensnare you into Internet sex, then brothers and sisters, that is where we take the battle to finally win this thing!

How do cults ensnare people?  They indoctrinate in the mind.  If they can control your mind, they’ve got your entire being.

The converse is also true.  By freeing the mind of garbage, you allow room for treasure.  This is a biblical principle…

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Luke 6:45, NIV).  The King James Version uses the word “treasure” for “good” here.  And since the concept of “heart” and “mind” is interchangeable in the Bible, we can see how what our mind is loaded with will impact our behavior.  EVEN IF our will is NOT to act a certain way! 

Remember Paul in Rom. 7:14-15:  “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” 

And Verses 21-23:  “Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.”

Sounds to me like there’s a war going on in the mind, doesn’t it?  In your inner being, your regenerated “spirit” being, you love God, but sin attacking the mind will change your behavior and enslave you TO THAT behavior!

So…The $64,000 question…What do we do?

As I said in the last post, prayer and meditation on the Word are powerful.  But what if we don’t know how to constrain our own mind, to harness it so that we have control over it so that a lifestyle of prayer and meditation get in there! 

Let me start by saying that if we as Christians can finally grasp this concept as it relates to gaining victory over sexual addiction, our entire lives as Christians will be revolutionized!  You want to be a carry-your-cross-daily-and-follow-me Christian?  This is it.  You want power for living abundantly in Christ every day, every minute of the day?  This is it.  You want to finally be a “living sacrifice” (Rom. 12:1-2) and “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”?  This is it.

In the 70’s when there were scores of self-help books, one called “Psycho-Cybernetics” introduced the principle that it takes 21 days to break a habit and form a new one.  That is a good principle, even though everyone is different and may experience a different timeframe.

Our goal here is to break the horrific habit of indulging our sensual cravings online while substituting that void (because there will be one) with God’s substitute.  And that equates to FREEDOM! 

Rather than face the hurt of negative things in life, Buddhists leaders teach their disciples to change their mind on the matter—see all things as “meaningless,” neither good nor bad.  They just are.  This works for them!  They actually feel free in the mind.  The problem with it, though, is that it’s temporary and they have to strive all the time in it.  Plus, without Jesus, there’s no salvation.  It’s good for a lifetime, then what?  Also, they blank out the mind, whereas Christians fill it with the Word and with God.  We have a true spiritual connection or relationship with one true God who created the universe!  And He is an “ever-present help in a time of trouble” (Psalm 46:1).

In an earlier post HERE, I talk about how the “wrong high” kicks in.  Let’s really hash this out now.  Any form of temptation will draw our minds toward this wrong high.  It’s the high that our mind wants.  When a thief is tempted to steal, he gets a wrong high when he ponders on grabbing that thing that’s not his.  The more he steals, the more addicted he is to getting that high.  So many inmates on death row insist on remaining incarcerated because they cannot trust themselves not to murder again!  They are addicted to the wrong high of murdering.

Internet sex? 

Let me be very blunt here, guys.  If you are somewhere as inane as the local DMV, you can still easily fall into the trap of a wrong high.  What if there’s a young girl sitting at the desk while you are standing across from her and she’s wearing a low-cut blouse.  Be honest.  The more you stare at that area, the more you feel dopamine rush through your veins, right?  You don’t even have to fantasize about any sexual activity with this stranger.  You simply can stare at that part of her anatomy and feel a rush.

Then what happens?  For a long time afterward, you start to feel sexually frustrated.  That rush is still there, to a certain degree.  Even though you have a beautiful wife at home, she does not compare to what you just saw, does she?  What you saw and dwelled on was a unique moment, a spontaneous thrill, if you will.  It’s that spontaneous thrill that you’re addicted to.  So you go home and get on the Internet.  And you enter into that horrible cycle of a) the hunt, b) the capture, c) the guilt, then the hunt again.

Now what COULD you have done to prevent that trap?  Men, as soon as you caught a glimpse of that woman’s chest area, you should simply stare everywhere you can EXCEPT there.  You say, Well, isn’t that avoiding the problem and not facing it head-on?  Absolutely!  You will have saved yourself hours of pain and frustration and, frankly, sin.

James 1:14-15 states:  “…each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”  By letting desire linger, you eventually enter into sin.  That’s when and where adultery of the heart occurs.

When I was a singles pastor, I always told them, “When you’re walking down the street and a scantily-clad woman walks toward you, you can’t help that first glance, but you’re on your own when you turn around, after she passes you, to get a second (and third, and fourth,…) look.  Here, the first glance represents the temptation.  The glances after that are what gets you in trouble.  Temptation is not a sin.  The lingering desire—often translated, lust—is.

Can you see how avoiding the lust part is so much more freeing?  Lust is not only a sin, it’s frustrating.  It’s aggravating.  It’s guilt causing.  And it’s marriage betraying.

When I finally made a commitment with the Lord to free myself once and for all, I made a special pact with Him like Job in 31:1: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.”  But in order to do that, I knew I had to do something else.

I made it my personal mission to do everything in my power not to put my eyes in a position to see potentially tempting things.

When I was on staff at a large church in the Los Angeles area, there happened to be two billboards for “gentlemen’s clubs.”  (That terminology always struck me as odd.  There ARE no gentlemen who frequent them!)  And being L.A., anything goes—including most of the clothes on the girls in the ads.  I was surprised there weren’t ten accidents a day as men passed these huge billboards.

So what did I do?  I got up ten minutes earlier each day so that I could take a slightly longer route to the church; a route that was free from these ads.  By doing so, I was not only fulfilling my covenant with the Lord.  I was preventing dopamine from being released in my body.  No dopamine, no frustration, no sin.  All freedom.

Guys, don’t buy the old, “I like to admire God’s creation.”  We're not supposed to admire any of the creation anyway.  Besides, admiring THIS sort of creation leads to you know what.

I know that some of you are reading this, thinking, “I can’t take my eyes off every woman (or man) I see.  What if I work with a hottie—day in and day out.  They’ll think I’m weird if everytime I interact with them I look away.”  Then I say, with everything in you, look that person in the eyes each time and ask the Lord to show you how HE feels about that person.  He loves them as either a child of His or a potential one.  Not as an object.  His grace is so sufficient for you at that time, believe me.

We need to keep things in perspective.  We’re not dealing with pure mind control here.  We are working synergistically with a loving God who empowers us as we take steps to please Him in our lifestyle.  God WILL meet you there!

In the meantime, begin changing old habits.  Make a covenant of the eyes with the Lord.  Pray and meditate on the Word and ask the Holy Spirit to help you.  All of these things are vital to gaining victory.

Give yourselves at least 21 days to break old habits and form new ones.

In the next post, we will finally look at a way to really reinforce the breaking of old habits that lead to Internet sex sin.  It is hard.  It is even painful.  But it’s the best method I know to introduce you to a new lifestyle—one of habitual freedom instead of habitual enslavement.


  1. Morning Bro - I'll go you one more on the "working with the hottie" thing...try a little honesty!

    I'm not suggesting saying "Your appearance is leading me to sin"! But I am saying it's OK to acknowledge the "elephant in the room". Come on - try this - "You work here because you have earned the right to be here and are good at what you do. You also know that I find you attractive - but I'm trying to keep that from getting in the way of both of us doing the job, and maybe getting in the way of our off the job relationships. Just doing my best to respect you as my co-worker (employee) and friend." Put it out there without guilt or shame, acknowledge that we - as humans - are sexual beings who are supposed to be attracted to each other - and then simply move on.

    You might find that kind of conversation is welcomed, respected, and helpful!


    1. Ahh,I don't know about this one, Aus. To admit to a woman that you're attracted to them will attract to you a host of problems, I feel.

      But just because you're The Great Aus, I want to open this up to other readers...

      Readers, what do you think about Aus' suggestion?

    2. hello Aus, just to let you know that I have given my feedback on your suggestion in the below two posts if you have missed it.

  2. About Aus' suggestion, I like his, because his is honest. Maybe, if you are working with a "hottie" that is causing you to be tempted and it is a losing battle... pray to the Lord and tell Him that you put loyalty to Him first above work.

    Then approach the "hottie" and share with her like Aus shared.

    You have left it all in the Lord's hands.

    What might happen, the Lord may convict the "hottie", and she would be so grateful to you and know that you are a real-deal Christian and want to know the Lord whom you are loyal to... or if the "hottie" makes things even more complicated, then you quit that job.

    And let the Lord provide you with another job. :)

    Easy for me to say so here on comment, but that's my advice.

    And the answer to the $64,000 question is 1 Thess 5:17.

    If you keep your mind always open to the Lord, all the time, by including Him in your thoughts (i.e. not thinking to yourself as we are often in the habit of) but being open to Him and including Him in all your thoughts, then it will be easier to immediately cast down any thoughts that pops up which are contrary to Him:

    2Cor 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ;

    (I have just done three videos, the third part is specifically related to this which I have recently added to my blog today for anyone's interest) :)

  3. I want to re-state my above comment.

    About Aus' suggestion, I had a re-read and realised that I actually both agree and disagree with his comment.

    I agree that it is the old man which is "attracted" to her (because we still live in the flesh) and disagree that the approach to her is from the old man's view/explanation, because since we are in the new man (having believed in Christ and received of His Spirit), it is actually the dismay, unpeace and distress, not the "attraction" (I say, "attraction" because the better term for it would be "lust after") is the focal concern. (Since we mind the things of the Spirit, not of the flesh).

    My suggestion is to respond to the lady not from the old man's view (explaining the "attraction" as is Aus' suggestion), but from the new man's view (explaining the uneasiness within), e.g.

    "Miss, I appreciate and value your place here. I am having a problem because of your clothing (state what it is, e.g. low cut neckline), because the way you dress is not helping me, it is causing me to think unfaithful thoughts and that is the last thing I want, because I love my wife and God. Please, can you help me by covering up more discreetly, so I can have peace of mind?"

    You need to approach her from the mindset as if she is your own daughter, mother, or sister, to be honest, to care about her, to educate her.

    That is what I meant when the lady in question would probably be more appreciateve of your honesty and respect you as a gentleman and want to know the God in whom you serve and fear.


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