Thursday, April 12, 2012

Fear of WHAT Unknown?








I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid that I’m not afraid. 

I don’t dread bringing the most severely disabled child into our home and calling her our daughter.  And perhaps pushing her in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.  And struggling everyday to understand her needs and meet them.

So why am I afraid that I’m not afraid?  Because I’VE changed.  And it’s for the good.  And that scares me. 

OK, I know this doesn’t make sense.  If it’s a “good” thing, then why am I scared?  Well, sometimes I just can’t put into words what the Father has done deep inside of my being.  How He’s changed me to be putty.  But it’s not putty in everything that He wants me to be.  I still have a very long way to go. 

Believe it or not, the act of bringing home such a daughter is not nearly as difficult as facing my flaws as a father or husband.  Sometimes it’s just so darn hard to go to my wife or kids and say, “I’m so sorry.  I was a dweeb.  I was wrong.  Please forgive me.”

But as I work on the obstacles of the heart, I’m finding it easier and easier to dive into other things that other men see as CRAAAAZY!

Enter our eighth child waiting for us in Bulgaria.

If we do this, then what, Lord?  I’m scared…BUT…I’m excited!  It’s kinda like when you’re standing on a high dive.  You’re scared, but excited because you know what you’re about to do.  (OK, that’s not such a good example, seeing as last year I broke my back diving off a high dive.  But you get the idea.)  Because THAT’S where I have craved to be—living on the edge for Jesus.  Signing up for anything and everything HE wants me to do, where HE wants me to go, and what HE wants me to say yes to.

“What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”  --James 4:14

I am sure that some of my friends look at Anthony Salem and say, “Well, he’s getting old.  He’s throwing his life into God because he doesn’t have much time left anyway.”

But statistically, if Jesus tarries, I have at least another 30 years on this earth, Lord willing.  That’s a long time in human years.  And in dog years, that’s 210 years.  And in GOD years, that’s…well…just a mist, isn’t it?

So that’s my point.  We can have 30 years left, 60 years left, or just a few months to live.  It’s all a mist.  And that’s what we need to continually remind ourselves of.  It was important enough for God to mention in the book of James.  So it should be foremost in all of our minds.

If we do that, we have no fear of the unknown.  Just the Godly adrenaline to “dive in.”

10 comments:

  1. Your second line says it all - "I'm afraid that I'm not afraid"....kinda described being a Dad eh? ;)

    aus

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  2. Oh. Wow. Someone posted this link on Leila Miller's blog and I copied and pasted it and I am so glad I did. What a beautiful post.

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    1. Thank you, Michelle. May our Lord be glorified through it.

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  3. I'm not a husband, not even a man but this post hit a chord. I would like to think I am open to what God wants for me. But, (there's always a but, isn't there?) I have to be responsible, I have to think about paying bills. I pray and ask and I get stuck. I see so many scriptures about helping and depending on God. Are there scriptures about being responsible? How to weigh priorities? Sorry if I am getting off track, I was just struck by the post.

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    1. Rosedel, this is an excellent comment! In fact, my next post (coming soon) will address everything you're talking about. God is awesome. In a nutshell, you're asking how does one balance "responsibility" with "abandonment for God." Excellent, excellent, excellent!

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  4. Love this. I follow your wife Adeye's blog and have since started reading yours as well. I have a small tattoo on my wrist that says "vapor" from the exact passage you mentioned, so I really resonate with this post. I actually told my husband just last night, talking about the possibility of adoption, that it feels so weird to not be afraid to consider adopting a special needs child with Down Syndrome or HIV. So I totally get what you said. Continuing to pray, because my husband isn't feeling a pull to adopt like I am, although he has a heart do be involved with orphans (we live in Taiwan and are starting a home for unwed moms and babies here this fall with a friend). I can't wait to hear about your continued journey as you bring Hasya home, very excited and moved! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much, Anonymous. I am so encouraged by your comment. And I will pray for your husband, Mr. Anonymous (haha, God knows his name).

      And that is SO exciting--what you are doing for our Lord's kingdom in Taiwan. Godspeed to you and your family!

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    2. Did you do any posts on being reluctant to adopt while your wife wasn't? (or was that someone else I am thinking of?) my husband is completely willing to adopt out of obedience to God, but doesn't feel a pull or call, if that makes sense. I keep saying I don't think we should move forward with adoption on just obedience, because if that was true, then many would be being "disobedient" by not adopting and I don't know if that's the case. I keep praying that God will make it clear. I hope all that makes sense. It's so hard to know how to respond to the stories I hear of so many kids in desperate need, but God is also teaching me to remember to just pray for those individual kids, even if we aren't adopting them. Thanks!

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  5. Would you be willing to let us feature this on "We Are Grafted In"? (www.wearegraftedin.com) Your wife is already a contributor! We'd love to be able to feature posts by adoptive dads in the week leading up to Father's Day, and this would be perfect.
    Just let me know!
    Stephanie (smurphy 28 @ juno.com)
    co-administrator of WAGI

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